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Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Hitchhiker’s Guide to Arranged Marriages -Part 2

Posted by Sowmya:) on July 16, 2009

Hope all you guys could digest Part 1 well and I am stretching imagination to the limits when I say all of you are more than eagerly waiting for part deux.

Me thinks that before I reach the ‘boy meets girl’ stage I should elucidate the types of guys you usually meet (rather I met). This obviously can’t be an exhaustive list but covers the usual suspects –

Maun vrat Muni -The true believers of ‘Silence is golden’. It took all my energy, effort and patience to get a 2 sentence worth from them. Any question was met with a single word answer followed by “u?” Something like –

Me: So what do you do? (lame question, but what else does one say?)

He: I work in blah company as blah. U?

Me: I am an investment banker working in blah company. I did my schooling and college in Mumbai as also my CA.

pauseeeeeeeeeeeeee

Me: So what is your work profile

He: Blah. U?

Me: Blah blah blah blah blah blah(pause for breath) blah blah…….

pauseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Such encounters ended with me trying to tear my hair out

Motor Mouth -Talk of opposites!! These guys, a rare breed i agree, ask a question and answer it themselves. And you are enriched with knowledge about them, their families, neighbours, friends, colleagues, state of this country, next rainfall, sensex movements, bollywood gossip,….in effect everything. Something like –

He: So what do you do? I work in XYZ company as ABC. During weekends I watch movies, catch up on some reading and meet my friends. Last week we saw this movie -it was so bad. I have decided never to watch movies with that actor ever again. Btw did you know he is going around with this actress. They have a flat in Andheri. Must have made lot of money to buy flats in Andheri. The real estate prices are shooting up like crazy. My cousin bought a house in Chembur for $$$ last year. This year my neighbour bought it for the same amount in Vashi. They shifted yesterday and we are having new neighbours tomorrow. Actually they were supposed to shift today but had to postpone because of the rains. That reminds me, what was your 26/7 experience? You know what happened with me?…………… 

Me: (Thank God! I chose the seat facing the TV)

Floodgate -When I started this post I swore I will not reveal any regional biases that I strongly possess. So I shall keep that word and continue. The rest is upto your imagination and understanding 😉 Quite a few of the guys I met were totally smitten. NO! Not by me. Not at all that. But by the general female population. Any lady and they would drool. It was quite embarrassing to handle that. If you like a guy drooling over you all the time, go ahead. But I could not. I ran like….like I have never run before. (And I have never run before)

Ice Ice Baby -Talking of opposites, I also found quite a few who thought they were the Almighty’s gift to womankind….like they are doing me a big favour by sitting at the same table. Well, well. Keep those thoughts and go home dude! Something like –

He: Actually I am not in much favour of this whole arranged marriage stuff, you know. Its like…like….crazy man. I mean how do people do that kind of thing.

Me: (Grrr… go home and stuff yourself dude) hmm followed by plastered smile

Medieval Man – Actually most guys are medieval….even those who think they are ‘modern’. But as far as they make an effort….I forgive them. I am quite benevolent that way 🙂 But some take the cake. Sample this –

He: I will let you do whatever you want.

Me: (And please introduce yourself Mr. God Almighty)  Oh !

He: As far as you take care of my parents and do everything for them, you can do anything you want.

Me: (Ah! What untold freedom. I am speechless) Hmmm

Yeah! I tell you they were fun.

Ideal Man -Most welcome to my humble abode to meet him 😀

I’ll conclude in Part 3. Keep watching this space!!!

Posted in I WENT TO, INSIGHTFUL?, MUMBAI MERI JAAN, NOW THAT'S ME, ZILLION YEARS AGO | Tagged: , , , , , | 5 Comments »

Pledge

Posted by Sowmya:) on June 3, 2008

Continuing my mission of visiting all Shoppers’ Stop outlets in the country (hehe…whot a mission!) I checked out the one at Harrington Road, Chennai. I guess I have visited every outlet in Mumbai, the one at Gurgaon and also Kolkata. I have a long way to go…and I will:) The best part of the whole trip was that I actually knew the way from home all the way to the SS outlet. Whoa! Was I overjoyed!!! I also know the route to my office but that has some unfair advantages over SS –
1. The 100 ft from Anna Nagar to Guindy has as many turns as a straight line possibly can. And Me Mumbaikar may not know that the hindi word for ‘kantha’ is actually ‘pyaaz’ but I do know a straight road when I see one.
2. I have been on that single straight road twice a day, six days a week, twenty-four days a month for the past 3 months
But this one to SS outlet had as many twists and turns as a Balaji soap, one-ways and subways (so very unique in Chennai)…I traversed all that and landed at SS at about 5 p.m. for some relaxed shopping as also window, shadow, etc shopping.
It was not too crowded for a Sunday evening…i wondered why. Then dawned the realisation that it was the IPL final between Rajasthan Royals and Chennai Super Kings. Regular readers (I know that is a non-existing tribe….but it kinda sounds kewl. Like there are actually ppl in this world, except my dear mister, who read this blog) might curiously note that my lack of posting wrt IPL coincided with Mumbai Indians losing matches in quick succession. Let me assure you that it is so. I shut my eye like the proverbial cat and thought if I don’t acknowledge it, it has’nt happened. Damn the team…not even semi-finals? That too at a time when mister and I were having one of our famous ‘Mumbai is better than Chennai’ arguments. Mr. Tendulkar, do you know what all I had to endure thanks to you and our team?? Anyways I am sure we’ll win it next time.
That was why I was not too interested in that final in which Mumbai’s only participation was the location….but can u have better crowds anywhere else 😉 Having realized the match schedule, mister decided that shopping, snacking, burping, negotiating with auto guy and travelling back home had to be completed by 8.00 pm. I was ok with the rest, but negotiating with auto guy??? Impossible!
Our list had 2 trousers and 1 perfume in it…if I was shopping alone, be assured I would have bought everything except the trousers and perfume. If hubby dearest had walked in alone he would have been in time for Rajasthan’s net practice the previous day. BUT as they say love is blind, maybe foolish, which is why he took me along 😉 I wanted pot pourri. He said trousers. I almost bought ‘3 mistakes of my life’ by ‘Chetan Bhagat’. Mister said trousers. I gazed longingly at the latest collection of ‘Hidesign’. Mister dragged me to the trouser section. Aaaaaargh! Those trousers! I had a tough time juggling between shopping and sticking to the list.
Hats off to my hubby! He managed to rummage through n number of shelves stocking x+y+z number of brands, pick 3 of which he liked (am still wondering how can a human being like ONLY 3!), find a trial room, try all 3 trousers, select 2 out of them, give measurements and negotiate with the shop assistant on time to be taken for alteration, all under half hour. By this time I would have decided that I should not be buying long kurtas since I have too many and maybe I should look at medium length or short kurta though not too jazzy & with too much work on it cos I had a few of those and my main requirement was for casual weekend wear. And this guy actually, believe me, actually completed his entire shopping for, what I am sure is, another 8-10 months. He would’ve paid the bill too but for the tech snag at the bill counter. Having paid the bill and getting membership cards and plethora of points for our half hour shopping we proceeded to the perfume counter, though not before issuing numerous threats on what all we could do to the shop assistant and his family if we did not get the altered to the perfect 43” within 20 minutes. That was mister’s scheduled time for buying perfume. Snigger, snigger
We sniffed our way to the ground floor where perfume man was waiting with coffee beans in his hand “Some perfumes, sir!” This has always bothered me. Only the perfume and cosmetics people ask us to buy their products. The garments, shoes, bags, etc counter staff never do that. Why’ o’ why? Guess that shall remain one of my life’s unanswered questions.
Then begun our hunt for the perfect perfume for my mother-in-law -light, daily-wear types. I almost fainted sometime after the 35th perfume and hubby did the same after he saw the price tag. We finally settled on a ‘pure lightness’ perfume which coincidentally was the first one we tried. Then started my actual shopping. It would have been scandalous if I actually bought only what I intended to. I mean what about retail boom and consumerism? So I picked some cosmetics and another perfume for hubby after sniffing through the coffee beans for like hundred times.
We paid for these stuff, accumulated more points on our membership card. I bravely fought for more points to be accumulated but mister would have none of it. He marched to the trouser guy to get the altered ones. When I think of it today, if that had been ready then, maybe things would have been different. But it was not to be. Destiny! What else can I say? They needed another ten minutes to get the perfect fit. It was that moment that mister made probably one of the top five blunders of his life. He said those ‘you-know-what’ words –“Sowmya, why don’t you see if you like anything?”
He did’nt realize then that he would reach home only after Shane Warne would reach his. So off we went to the ladies’ section of the store…………
I admit that on most occasions buying a formal shirt / trouser is a traumatic experience for me. It would, for you too, if you weighed even 20% less than me. My general approach in such a situation is to pick the biggest size available. Then I feel so good about myself when it is slightly big for me and pick one size smaller wherein I feel ‘thin’. That’s a pick-me-up I often use. Feel free to borrow the idea….you’ll feel great!!! So I scanned all the brands available, picked quite a few I liked and proceeded to the trial room. On the way tragedy struck. My route was blocked, barricades in front of me in the form of my mister. He relieved me of many shirts and all I was left with were a mere 4. Maybe he realized his mistake and was trying to make the best of his situation but destiny always has its own way. For once, I got a trial room without being reminded of the ticket queues at peak time in Thane station. Wow! This was turning to be a nice day. At the perfect moment when I locked myself in and began trying out the shirts the Electricity God decided to play truant. Poof went the power and I was stuck inside for all of 3 minutes. How I survived that long in the pitch dark room with only myself to look at on all four side merits a post all by itself. Right, it was scary.
After that cam the bigger scar(e). I did not fit into the first shirt I tried. Thinking I picked the wrong size, I tried shirt 2. Same result. I started to get oh-so-slightly worried. When shirt 3 also refused to yield to my demands I let out a cry of anguish. What am I to do now? Can I never shop again? Do I need circus tents as mister so often teases me? All those blissfully happy moments of scanning through few thousands of garments and picking the 50 I liked. Then trying them on, selecting the 30 best through carefully devised scientific procedures combined with the ever reliable close-my-eyes-and-touch-one methodology in which I always end up touching 2. What do I do now? What do I live for? Can I ever enter a store again? Will I be able to lead a normal life again?
I ran out of the trial room, dumped the rogue shirts in a corner and ran far far from the garment section to the ‘Crossword’ where I am not judged by inches, feet, shapes and such other disgraceful yardsticks. I scanned through shelves and shelves of books –my best friends. Mister found me gazing longingly at the ‘Top 10’ list. He did’nt budge, not giving any allowances for the fact that I was just recovering from such a major trauma. He left me waiting at the entrance of the store and went to find his altered trousers. I am sure, by now, you must be tearing your hair apart to find out what the title of the post has got to do with the actual post. Well, here it comes.
As I was waiting I happened to spot an open book. Enquiries and further investigations revealed that it was a pledge book. Basically everyone could write down something as their pledge and hopefully fulfill it sometime in their life. The concept sounded cool. I read the previous entries which ranged from selfish desires to world peace. I was inspired. I borrowed a pen from one Mr.Perfume and proceeded to pledge –
‘I pledge that I will use my skills and talents to the optimum so as to be useful to myself, my family and the world at large.’
How does that sound? Well, don’t ask me as to what I am doing to that end. This is the first step and the agenda for the week was only to make the pledge. I shall figure out something soon and definitely keep you guys posted! Mister was back with his 2 new trousers and we set off. Then came his casual question, “so how many kilos did you pledge to lose?” I was stumped. Why did I not think of that? Another unanswered question of my life!
We reached home on dot at 8 with mister complaining that he would miss the opening batsmen walk from the pavilion to the crease. Well, well the match started at 8.15 and he did not miss a single step!
I’ll be going to Westside next week in my eternal quest for the perfect shirt. Keep watching this space.

P.S. Hubby, I know you would probably be the only one to read this. But you know my temptation for exaggeration far exceeds that for even chocolate and that I am only doing this to improve my writing skills. (Obviously! No doubt! 😉

Posted in I WENT TO, NOW THAT'S ME | Tagged: , , | 3 Comments »